Ps. You scare the shit out of me!!!!

(more on this later)

Last Saturday while I was standing outside a 100yen store which is near a Military Base and so many Americans go there (I never talk to any of them either),

anywayz...
 a Japanese man was holding a map book (who has those?...where's the smart phone?).
 I realized what he was doing, which was, trying to make a chance to speak English....pretty clever trap he had going on...

He tried a few times but he was obviously not interested in finding directions and the Base guys/Gals were with family so they all quickly but politely moved along....dude was not covering his true intent well AT ALL.

Then it dawned on me....

I'm...I'm fucking STANDING RIGHT HERE!!!

I was wearing this but some of the base dudes were the size of buses and didn't look so friendly and my neck warmer was pulled down so it wasn't my Terrorist look in full force.

When I had arrived and parked right in front of him I got out...he took a couple steps towards me..I looked at him in the eye and he froze....looked down and walked back to a spot out of my probable path into the 100 yen store. I wasn't angry but I wasn't smiling either. I was just being me. He never looked at me again...I  woulda' talked with him at least longer than the dudes with family in tow. He didn't wan't anything to do with me.

I got scary eyes or something because I have never...never EVER been approached by kids or adults who wan't to practice their English. I wrote before about I girl I was with saying..."I notice no one EVER tries to talk with you?...why?"

I don't fucking know?

I obviously ...like everyone..have bad days and look the part. But even when I'm happy Japanese folks seem drawn to my eyes immediately  and they move away crisply. It's a blessing and a curse.

A mother recently explained in Japanese to a new mother that "Chris Sensei is chotto kowaii ando Tsuyoi, demo jozu....sugoi...SUGOI majimei ..push push push yo...sugoi!"

This....this is HIGH praise from one education mother to another but ...that I'm seen in this light automatically is kinda bizzare. I just gave them Santa and a kira kira Christmas wonderland with presents and Turkey and the like and they know I love animals cuz  the last time a kid chased a wild cat I threatened to throw him in the river right in front of his mother...who backed me up fully cuz he was running into the street. I don't wan't him bothering the cats and mommy doesn't wan't him pancaked by a neighborhood truck but we both want him to shut the fuck up and relax.

Lest anyone think this is about Japan...

I have known this guy since we were 6 and he's a straight thug brawler. Badboy to the bone...we butted heads for the final time recently so don't think I reserve this shit for stangers..

Nice response. 

That's what happens for him sticking his nose between me and beating another friend. He knows me...I would pay to travel more than 1/2 the circumference of the planet to step on his neck.

The 2 most vicious things I ever did will never make it on this blog in a form you can read.. I'm done with it....but #3?

#3

a story related to Will and others in comment sections. I do not think I have addressed it here?

I once released a tirade of threats to a co worker. I basically told him that he had better kill himself because if I do it it's gonna be far more painful..I will make him taste Hell before sending him there.

He went home and killed himself within hours. I was blown away...my co workers called the police and I acted like a sociopathic prick to them. It took years to accept how much I played a part in that. I blamed his drug problems or other shit I didn't know about perhaps but it certainly couldn't have been about me? 

No. It was. An 18 year old just as young and confused as me made a terrible mistake because he thought I was gonna do what I said I'd do. I was known to do that. But I was just releasing the rage on him...I didn't even touch him. But I pushed him over a cliff with my eyes. 

I wish I could go back so I could grab him by the neck before he left...looked him in the eye and said somethin' like

"..I'm just fuckin' with ya bro but don't disrespect me in front of others...ever...we alright?.....give me a hug....life is good, lets live a lot of it "

I didn't do that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to the woman and mother who had to send a mail with a title...that is this posts title.

I'm sorry.