will open his seal and it will contain a mirror...I just know it.
I met this guy. In passing...shortly before he passed and I kinda became a fan after that...not before. He seemed so genuine. Mr superstar giving off a vibe like he's been the dude sitting behind you all through Elementary school and you go way back. They have a Biopic about him in the works but 2 famous directors have walked away because getting someone to depict him is nearly impossible.
I get it.
End of this part...
Almost everything around you is total bullshit and you choose to ignore it I hope...hope that it's not that you don't even realize it.
I remember being stuck in loops as a kid. I would latch on to something that was clearly bullshit but nobody would say anything...not adults not anyone. What the fuck is going on? I couldn't get it?
Beginning of another important part..
Please watch the video.
I knew it would unravel. Why was he doing this to himself?
Botticelli's illustration of Dante's Inferno shows insincere flatterers grovelling in excrement in the second pit of the eighth circle.
Was the leader of the last remaining super power really surrounded by sycophants?
Yes...yes apparently he was.
A highly intelligent man both academically and socially was being undone by himself.
I have mentioned before that I was removed as President of the University debate team and it was because of the video you hopefully watched. She was blaming Reaganomics and erred terribly by mentioning Clinton in a term that was ridiculous. By any measure he was not a character role model. He cheated those he knew, crushed his opponents to get where he was and in the end lied to everyone including family and closest confidants over a fucking blowjob.
I wanted her to explain how she could...in light of what we knew to be fact...how she could use his character as a selling point? It was off topic.. my job was to convince the audience that my view was the superior one based of facts and empirical data but she had just given me the shortcut. I was insulted and she had shown a "tell"...her political passion was just too high to be debating this topic while mine was and is not. They are all full of shit to varying degrees. I politely and methodically requested a clarification on a pointless topic (to the debate) and she could have noted that and moved back on point but she was off and spinning with anger until she exploded into tears and told me to go fuck myself (pretty much) as she stormed off the podium.
I...I was just stating the obvious and I lost my position and membership in the team because I made a girl cry...at a University debate...while telling the truth about a lie. Just typing that makes me laugh and puke in my mouth at about the same exact moment. Unfucking real.
I was recently reminded of a site that has a false set of facts about me supposedly spoken?/written? by me which is false. I contacted Google and the sites admin and was told I had to provide an email and password to the site..I don't have one BECAUSE I NEVER JOINED!!
So there I am, looking at a mail written by an anonymous person accusing me of lying..or at least implying and after wasting 1 hour of my life I just said fuck it. I learned a trick I didn't know before so it wasn't all for nothing but looking over my shoulder to see it was around 1 am and I'm even fucking responding to a person who has never met me was just....made me wanna ..I didn't wanna...I didn't wanna look in the mirror...what the fuck am I doing??
End of that part..
Returning to the start.
I saw 2pac's video and was excited because it was clearly made while promoting a film that was released after he died and was filmed just prior to his death which was very close to when I had met him. "I met him right around THIS time" I was thinking.
Then BAM..the biggest moment of my internet life.
I have told many folks over the course of my life about my "check-up" system. I look in a mirror for a while and try to look into my own eyes and beyond. I have been doing this since I was a kid. The amount of time I spend and the feeling I get afterword is directly related to my condition...my deep condition. I have recommended others try it and they all...every single one of them looked at me like I was a fucking loon.
Ever walk by a mirror and think for some reason that you didn't wanna really look right now? Oh, yeah...yes...you feel me now. It wasn't the reason you tell yourself (why you just glanced and moved on) nobody including Fortune 500 CEO's are so busy they can't spare a minute for themselves.
You lie to yourself. The mirror doesn't lie to you. It might show you that your lying to yourself though so why bother? Just another piece of shittiness to deal with when life is already giving you more than you can handle.
Your never gonna get better.
Where were you when you were 13 going on 14?..How about 22? I was not a free person. I was letting the game of life slip through my fingers and I have still placed myself beyond almost everyone you have ever personally met. How? How was I not choking on the dust of "regular folks"? I guess regular is the new spectacular? Your not satisfied with being O.K......you just don't have the guts to be anything better. Your scared of the REAL outstanding because you think your not built to..stand out. Tell yourself that that's the way you want it...you might believe your own bullshit because you've been swallowing everyone else's for so long. You didn't dream of being regular. We don't do that.
We are all bigger versions of the children we once were. Our levels of empathy the amount of control we have over our tempers, the ability to know that this plus that will =_______, without having to actually see the "this or the "that" is is the same now as when we were kids. We are jaded and disillusioned and we cope but we will never get back what the world took from us. I know I was not as good as I coulda been but I will be as good as I can be. I embrace my weaknesses like a warm blanket on a cold night because it is who I am. My complexes are what makes me who I am and every single person reading this is saddled by their own baggage. Nobody is heaping anything on you. You have gathered your own baggage and you have never quite gotten around to cleaning yourself up.
I visited the mirror. It didn't go well. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong but I'm not O.K., nobody around me physically or otherwise seems to be either. I will work it out. I always do.
First step in fixing a problem is admitting you have one...that sounds so easy...doesn't it?
I don't bitch about money cuz I got a lot.
I don't bitch about my job because I love being a teacher.
I don't bitch about my schedule because I make it..I'm the boss.
I don't bitch about whatever girl I'm with because......I could just not be with her.
I don't bitch about the folks around me because folks respect me or they're scared and the result looks exactly the same.
Why do you bitch about shit that you could change?
Why don't you try harder?
What is wrong with you?
Why can't you tell folks to show you some fucking goddamned respect cuz you know you earned it...and if you know you didn't why can't you shut the fuck up?
Why do you mingle with folks who's opinions you really don't respect?
Why do my posts about rage get more attention than my posts about happiness? Why?
Why do you put off today what you shoulda done yesterday?
Why are you always afraid to be yourself?
What is fucking wrong with you?
The bullshit is all around all the time and it's all we can do to just steal a moment to be with ourselves and look at ourselves. Try...try to look at yourself and imagine not being you but another....how do you see yourself now....can you see your bullshit now? Is it clear to you? You can fake your way through 99% of this life and the people you meet but there are folks like me out there and I can see you because I can see me.
*The opening video means everything to this post.*
/first post I have written in almost a year. thanksforyourpatience